Friday, March 12, 2010

Guys' guide to breast terminology

Guys' guide to breast terminology

There are thousands of different words for ****s, but how do you know what term is appropriate for the situation you're in? Luckily, we've spent a lot of time talking about ****s, and we've created a handy User's Guide to **** Terminology to help you figure out what **** term to use in a given situation.


What It Refers To: The superior ventral surface (the upper-torso) of the human body. Usually, the term refers to this area on the female body, while "chest" is more commonly used to describe the upper-torso of male bodies, unless it's a fat *** dude with man-****s.

When It's Used: In medical or technical conversations, or on television when, for some reason, they feel like they can't just say "****s".

Proper Usage: "Ma'am, I'm afraid you have breast cancer."

Improper Usage: "Hey, drunk chicks, show us your breasts!"


What It Refers To: In reference to the ****s of your mom, grandma, a diety, or any woman who you would never sexualize in a million billion years.

When It's Used: In The Bible, or in reference to where a baby is sleeping.

Proper Usage: "...And lo, Mary held the child Jesus unto her bosom."

Improper Usage: "That stripper was rubbing her bosom all over my face!"

****s or ****ies

What It Refers To: ****s that are covered by clothing with no indication of ******, as in the image above. Because of the lack of ****** visibility, "****" is often used in a more playful tone, rather than a sexual tone.

When It's Used: In everyday conversation between males and females alike. Due to its casual, non-threatening overtones, "****s" is considered a relatively non-sexual term, and is therefore acceptable for conversational use, making "****s" the most popular term for ****s.

Proper Usage: "Hey, boss! Your ****s look pretty good in that sweater."

Improper Usage: "Hey, wife! I'm gonna ****ie-screw you tonight."

Tits or Titties

What It Refers To: ****s that are uncovered by clothing, or covered by clothing but with clear evidence of ******s beneath the clothing, thereby justifying the term's more overt sexual tone.

When It's Used: When two men are discussing ****s in a sexual way.

Proper Usage: "Hey, drunk chicks, show us your tits!"

Improper Usage: "Ma'am, I'm afraid you have titty cancer."

Buzongas or Guzongas

What It Refers To: ****s that are cartoonishly large, or the large ****s of an actual cartoon, like Jessica Rabbit.

When It's Used: Usually in a conversation with other dudes, delivered in a manner of joking or comical disbelief. Most other ridiculous **** terms fall into this category as well (i.e.- knockers, chesticles, cans, hooters, funbags, dairy pillows, baby feeders, boulders, devil's dumplings, flapdoodles, goombas, honkers, jugs, melons, milk bombs, num-nums, wopbopaloobops, sweater cows, etc.).

Proper Usage: "Did you see that chick smash the beer can with her guzongas?"

Improper Usage: ""...And lo, mom held the child unto her guzongas."

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